The guest on honor had to open two presents at his 33rd birthday party at the VFW. First, a really nice engraved bottle of Gentleman Jack from his wife. Second, a horn that makes his car sound like the General Lee. Klassy.
A guy wearing a New Orleans Saints jersey (Deuce McAllister!) kept asking for “Jewish and You Know It” during the quasi-white-trash birthday party I did this weekend. I put him off, then flat-out refused. First, LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It” is offensive enough. Second, the parody isn’t funny at all, so let’s just laugh at the Jews. Uh, no.
This weekend, I’m doing a surprise 33rd birthday party. Wait, what? A 33rd birthday? How is that worthy of a surprise party? I think it’s because we’re celebrating the guy being the same age Jesus was when he died. I know the son of God can spin some sick tunes.
Scene from the Photo Booth, Yikes! Edition
- Boss: Come on, let's get in here and take a picture. But leave the Human Resources person out.
- HR Person: Why? You planning to do something in there that would get you in trouble?
- Me: Don't worry. I can provide digital evidence.
- Boss: No, no, no... Well, depends on which people from the office will take a picture with me! Come on, people!
- *Four dudes walk into photo booth with boss*
- HR Person: Yep, nothing to worry about here.
Request time: Uh-oh edition
- Drunk Hot Girl: Can you play something that will make me get sexy?
- 1994 Me: I don't have to play anything for you to be sexy.
- Drunk Hot Girl: Aw, you're so sweet. Well, what do you think will make me dance sexy?
- 1994 Me: I was thinking some Luther (unspoken: Vandross) would put you in the mood. Would you like a dance partner?
- Drunk Hot Girl: Why would 2 Live Crew put me in the mood?! Nice try, guy, but now I'm going back to my boyfriend over there. *points at huge dude staring at me*
- 1994 Me: I was kidding! I can't leave the DJ booth anyway! Have a great time tonight!
Request time - What? Edition
- Me: Hey, having a good time?
- Dude: Yeah, it's awesome. Can you play that new song from those guys?
- Me: Can you be a little more specific?
- Dude: Um, it's that one with the uhn-hiss uhn-hiss beat behind it?
- Me: You mean every house music song ever?
- Dude: Yeah! Play that!
Musical Reality Distortion
I was watching the episode of “How I Met Your Mother” when Marshall and Lily get married. They went through a whole list of wedding cliches that they refuse to have. Then, once Lily got drunk, they did all of them.
Learn from this, people. “Mony Mony” is not a good song. It never was. Nor are “YMCA,” “The Cupid Shuffle” or “Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll.”
When you’re on your fourth shot of Jack and dinner hasn’t even been served, you’re likely going to dance to whatever I play. Every song will evoke that “OHMYGOD!” response that only happens when you’re drunk or about to get laid.
Yes, I’ll suck it up and play “Party Rock Anthem” so you can scream out that you love the hamsters in this video. And I’ll even play Adele’s “Someone Like You” as a slow dance, even though it’s one of the saddest songs ever.
But if you ask for “Conga” or the Electric Slide, I will have you arrested for public intoxication.
If I don’t have at least three drinks before I get to an event, then I actually have to think about how much I hate all of these people and the f***ing Hokey Pokey.
My DJ mentor, in 1995
Request time (French edition)
- Me: What can I play for you?
- Drunk girl: You need to play more French music.
- Me: I've been playing the French songs the groom and his family requested.
- Drunk girl: But his mom came from Paris for this!
- Me: I know. What would you like me to play for her?
- Drunk girl: Um, what's that rose song?
- Me: "La vie en rose"?
- Drunk girl: Yeah! That one! The Louis Armstrong song!
- Me: Um, but he... he's... OK, I'll see what I can do.
Sure, it looks like the Real Housewives of Dana Point. Then again, this wasn’t a Christmas party. It was the second party I DJ’d here in a week. None of these women have real jobs. It’s like the scene in “Goodfellas” when Karen Hill goes to the makeup party. But with fake boobs.
From NPR Music:
They’re the albums that made us hand our headphones over a cubicle wall and say, “You have to listen to this.” We’re thrilled now to be able to hand them to you with the hope that you fall just as deeply for something you discover on these pages.
Oh yeah, and there are sample tracks from each one. And a printable list. Happy listening!
